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Finding Partners
Here I will present several essays on finding BDSM
partners.
Stages of BDSM
Where to look for a
BDSM Partner
Finding a
Dominant 1995
Solace
The Courtship of a
Dominant Woman by Mistress Erika
Dominants are very often asked by novice submissives what
they need to do to find a Dominant. The first response to them
is always: Be Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio
of submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all of
those submissives are "good" submissives - ones that a
Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time with.
Your job is to make yourself stand out from the crowd.
This is the first point where patience comes into play.
Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you need
them to approve of you, and want to play with you. This won't
happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments like, "I've
been on the Net for a week! Come on!" A Dominant is a
Dominant person and you should treat them with respect and
courtesy. Just because they are a Dominant, they are under no
obligation to use their talents in the Dominant arts on you.
Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with whom
they can have satisfying play. It's much the same as trying to
find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added
criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as
well. Take your time and be a little choosy. You will be much
more likely to have good scenes with someone that you are truly
compatible and feel comfortable with, then you would be with the
first Dom to come along.
Impatient and pushy submissives don't get very far with
Dominants. We may like brats, but we don't like jerks. If you
push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch you fall
on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each other. Word
will get around if a submissive has a bad reputation; word will
also get around if a submissive has a good reputation. Dominants
will also occasionally ask each other for recommendations on a
particular submissive. If you have been a jerk with one
Dominant, it will make it harder for you to be accepted by other
Dominants.
Being patient doesn't mean being a piece of furniture,
though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get to
know them. If you see them on line, say hello to them and try to
engage them in conversation. Don't just sit there saying nothing
and waiting for them to talk to you, most likely they won't. Try
to find out what title they prefer (Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir,
etc.) and use it. Read their posts and profiles well and try to
get a feel for the aspects of the scene that appeal to them.
These are good things to try to engage them in conversation on.
Don't immediately send them a chat/talk request. If after
getting to know a Dominant, you would like to speak privately
with them, a polite message of, "Would you like to chat
privately?", is more likely to get you an acceptance. If
they say "no", don't whine about it. We do not pay our
access to the Net just to be available whenever someone wants to
hot chat. Telling a Dominant how horny you are will usually only
get you laughed at. If you see a Dominant that you are
interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello, but
don't keep paging them, especially if they are in e- mail.
Finally, don't ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We are so
sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!
Often a Dominant is asked on line, via message, to accept
someone they just met as a submissive. If that person has a true
interest in being a submissive, then they can take the time to
write the Dominant a request for submission. Some Dominants have
a form or questionnaire that they give to potential submissives,
but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It should describe
your interests and desires in at least some detail ("I like
submission" doesn't cut it), describe your experience in
the scene, and tell why you are interested in the Dominant that
you are writing to. Spelling and grammar do count.
There are two common mistakes here. First, writing to a
Dominant who is not interested in what you are. Check their
posts if in doubt. Second, sending a request for submission to
every Dominant in the Western world. As I said before, we talk
to one another. Be patient and wait to find one Dominant whom
you think would be a good play partner and then write them a
sincere letter. Be patient on a response too. Some Dominants
don't bother to answer unsolicited petitions, but even those
that do get a lot of mail.
Don't become discouraged. While you are being patient waiting
for the right Dominant to come along learn about the scene and
socialize in it if possible. Read the newsgroups and FAQ's for
information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else,
it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines,
not just to look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as
the various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these
events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the
scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked to
on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals and
introductions to Dominants.
And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.
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